So we have established that Kevin is nothing special to look at, unless you enjoy mocking the zip ties and welding clamps that hold the front licence plate on or trying to play the matching game with the wheels (just a heads up, you won't win that game). Even if he were in mint condition the civic has never exctly been a pedigree breed. We can also say with absolute certainty that he is nothing special to drive. The engine is standard, at best, and there are certainly no optional extras on this model to supe up its performance. In fact, the closest Kevin has ever been to performance anything was the time the muffler came ever so slightly loose and made race car noises during acceleration and really goofy pitch changes when the gears changed. I almost crashed laughing. Another thing Kevin is not is luxurious. Sitting in the notoriously uncomfortable driver's seat you can reach out and touch nearly everything in the car without actually having to shift in the seat. However, much shifting is involved in attempting to keep your pelvis from turning to dust on long drives. There are no power windows, the central locking doesn't work when it's below 50 degrees, the seats are plain grey fabric, and the dash is pure utilitation plastic. It does have paper napkins scrupulously collected by my mother from every restaurant, Starbucks, and gas station in Colorado jammed in each of it's two glove compartments which do prove to come in quite handy. Because I can be a bit sloppy.
Kevin is the bare minimum of a car. Nowadays peole expect satelite navigation, hands feee parallel parking, and wifi in their cars (seriously, all of these are real options on various current models) and Kevin doesn't even sport back seat cup holders. But I love Kevin and I honestly, genuinely would rather drive him than the vast majority of the cars on the market today.
Kevin's simplicity is also his charm. You get in and you drive, that is all. And truth be told, Kevin drives really well. The little 4 cylinder engine is practically unnoticeable when you're cruising steady but give it some and it will respond quickly and with all its might. I was once driving an unfamiliar stretch of highway and found myself in the far right exit lane when my mom pointed out that we really needed to be in the far left lane to get onto a different freeway. In an example of the kind of driving I abhor from others and religiously abstain from myself I had to put the brakes on right there on the ramp (no, no one was behind me). From there I had to mash the gas pedal down and dart across the other two lanes before anyone caught up with me and blend seamlessly back into the regular flow of traffic. Not only did Kevin do it, a feat that may well have caused a wreck or at least a jam if attempted by, say, a Dodge Neon of similar age, but he did it joyfully, like a small child running around with his arms out making engine noises who completely believes that he is an airplane. There was a slight but confident chug as the automatic transmission found the gear it wanted in a fraction of the time it usually gets to decide, the modest but definite hum of the engine climbing into ever higher registers as the RPMs climbed well past their usual range (though we'll never know just how far as Kevin does not has a tachometer). Finally, with my foot hard down, there was the satisfying lurch of accelleration and restrained flick of lithe steering as my modest little Civic zoomed up the highway in a brief moment of glory and then casually resumed his position amongst the pack where he would slip by, completely unregarded by most. Yes, a bit like Superman.
Let's be clear here, none of these functions hold a candle to the same functions in a more high powered, high tech, well engineered car. Surely the steering in a Lotus is about 47 million times more responsive than Kevin's and where Kevin can eek out a burst of speed occasionall, a Ferrari will happily go from 0 to 750 mph in 2.3 seconds. I'm not saying that Kevin's capabilities are absolutely astounding, they're not. I'm saying that they are pretty damn good for a cheap, mass produced, economy vehicle.
My point here is that Kevin is fun to drive precisely because he has so few other features. You may think that it's low to the ground because it has to be compact to get good gas milage and be economical to produce. That is true but its low stance also gives it a ton of stability and grip so you can have a tiny bit of fun trying to hit racing lines on windy roads instead of worrying about rolling your Jeep Wrangler. Sure, there are no gadgets or luxuries on the inside but that keeps the whole car lighter and more nimble. No, the engine doesn't put out as much power, torque, or the great noise of a V8 but it's perfectly suitable for most driving and it has character; goofy, slightly wimpy character. After all, that's what makes any great car great, its character, its soul. Kevin's soul was not painstakingly hand crafted by a bunch of romantic Italians at the price of a bazillion dollars and a flashy emblem. It certianly doesn't stem from the beauty of precision imbued by a team of Germans, either. Kevin was designed to be cheap, simple, and reliable and that he is in spades. Kevin's soul is unassuming and modest but unwavering, commited to a fault, and just a little spunky when the mood strikes. And that is why I love my Kevin.
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| Last Monday I had to drive to work downtown because I missed my train. By the time I got there, the people with full time jobs had taken all of the parking spaces that weren't snowed in. I was desperate so I parked Kevin face first in a snowbank despite the front wheel drive-ed-ness. I gave him a little pep talk before I left, he spent the next 5 hours strategically planning and come 5:00 he pulled himself out like the champ that he is... or the snow melted. |
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